


Snap Out Of It

by graspthesanity



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets, The Kills
Genre: M/M, and here you go, another good oldie, picked it up, polished it a bit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2020-10-01 20:01:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20388199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/graspthesanity/pseuds/graspthesanity
Summary: In the wake of Arielle's suicide, Alex hears from Miles that she was cheating on him before her death, sending him into a deep depressive spiral with only a single friend ready to fight for him.





	1. Chapter 1

It’s the noise which pierces and stings, it’s some daft desire as life seems to be bleak, anxiety no longer even pulling me together to do things, it being rolled in by all bed covers and being under the bed to resemble a monster, seems like the only big opportunity to actually grasp. 

Everything seems to be wrong, that even jealousy doesn’t even tickle me and I have no courage to go back somewhere I even should be in.

Life is too bleak and suicide seems like something even bleaker, why would you throw something away which hasn’t even irritated me, it’s just some dull void, which is just there and the window is always open, letting noises in and I let the knocks go louder and I do eventually get yanked out of bed by the extra key, pretty much yanked by my pajamas and I can hear his boots on the empty pizza boxes.

I need to pull myself together.

Jamie lights a cigarette as he pushes me into the shower. He holds his silence, his back turned to the door, as I just slowly force myself under the water, not even feeling it at first.

“You didn’t show up at her funeral.” I don’t even want to grunt, but I just do as a soft answer, as he just glances back at me and it amuses me how he holds his Sunday in suits tradition. Right. I trail my fingers on the tiles. Jamie keeps looking at me as I keep trailing the tiles. “She-”

“I know, she cheated. He was there at the funeral. Miles told me.”

“Cunt. Should’ve kept his mouth shut.”

“Yeah, well, better than you keeping it silent. Since you seem to be fond of secrets.” I grumble and Jamie just looks away, going away to find an ashtray which is deserted among the bed covers in the bedroom. He comes back. 

“So, you honestly think I should’ve told you that again, when the rumors drove you wild, Turner?” 

I shut my eyes and my body jerks, I can’t feel anything. Soon enough I feel Jamie turn off the water and he pulls me close into a hug, as I let out a piercing cry and he just holds me. 

“You broke up with her, that’s why-”

“She cheated! Whilst we were together.” I clutch his suit, he’s all wet now. 

“Things weren’t working out.” He sighs, pulling me close and it amuses me how cold sometimes he is, as he just keeps me close, rocking me back and forth. “That’s why you broke up. It wasn’t the first time-”

“It was the first time I knew!”

“You had your doubts, Alex.” I pat him on the back, so he lets go of me and slowly exits the bathroom, just to step on glass, which causes Jamie to flinch, as he slowly picks up the frame and I just look away. But I can imagine how his face whitens once he sees the photo ripped by the glass shards. I’m also sure he gingerly drops it, by the sound of it. 

It’s a numbness where I don’t even know where to go, days going by and soon into weeks just make me realize how nothing makes sense and how a void just seems to laugh at me, making me ask why if this seemed to make sense, why take everything away from me. I try to shower and eventually Jamie takes off his suit and washes my hair, trying not to pity me, as I had yelled at him when everything just started, when I had just found out and I had yelled at him, to never pity me.

He hands me a cigarette when I’m wrapped up and sitting besides the bed as he makes the covers, glancing at me to make sure I’m still there. The only thing he seems to be less concerned is food, which for some reason I’ve managed to order all over, maybe because it seemed to give an illusion that it would feed me. 

Jamie starts showing me random t-shirts and I keep shaking my head until we both choose a plain black one and jeans, a grey hoodie. I shiver, wondering if he wants to yank me outside, but instead he pushes me out onto the balcony, cigarette box in hand and I just look down to see the lazy street and the people and a dog without a leash. Jamie leans against the rails besides me, sighing, looking at me, confused himself. 

“Do you want to go out?” Both cigarettes are lit and I just shrug and shake my head. He leaves it at that. We keep smoking and I keep glancing at him and I know I’m a mess even if he’s offered to clean up my room entirely while we smoke and I don’t refuse. He doesn’t offer me much besides his company and that seems bright for some reason, when I’d be ignoring his calls for days. I apologize, mumbling. “You need to head out. Miles’ been dying to see you.”

My eyes widen as I discard the half-finished cigarette.

I still see Miles shaken on the door, as I was thinking to go indeed to the funeral and he blurts out the truth, that I shouldn’t be there for someone who cheated.

Haven’t faced him since.

I look down just to get a deja vu of all the last nights when the feeling of ending the loud oblivion seems far too tempting, it’s when all the body can no longer ache and all the mind seems to be thinking of it’s own and seeing a car crash and feeling a pain go through my bones, the sudden flinch made me realize that my fear of getting physically hurt seemed far too scarier than choosing the side of giving myself to death and maybe even joining Arielle. 

I ignore his pleas for me to see Miles, who seemed to be far too stern according to Jamie, who recently had a row, which Jamie wouldn’t speak of and Miles was far too away from my eyesight or mouth to ask. I would watch them and I always wondered but I never asked Jamie’s tense self or how he would hold his eyes on Miles, as everyone’s concern was Alison who would no longer hold and push her arms around his and he would just try to blink the ashes of an old relationship which wasn’t better than mine and Arielle’s. I wondered what would he do if Alison were to give up one day and just like anything, he spoke of himself rarely, Alison muttering to me once that I don’t even know him because there are things he’d never speak of due to some trauma and that would cause me to look at him, see him broken on certain days and that’s when I would change my curiosity for some sudden excuse as an another day which I made sure wouldn’t come.

“C’mon, Al.” Jamie stops and watches me as my eyes are still interested in the void beyond, that if I could try enough I would picture everything there wasn’t and the thought of what lies beyond isn’t even tempting, but the placebo effect that everything might go away is the truest driving force. “I walk for hours a day.” 

He pauses and I narrow my eyes. It’s far more than a few hours a day. I hold my silence on his depression. Whenever it would get bad in the past I’d join him in the morning, only I would run ahead and then I realized that it was far too lonely and we would just walk and that’s when he would slowly ease, Archie far too used for the long walks which were still covered by the dog’s need when Jamie would openly say that it would be the only way to cure the day from feeling as if it was wasted, then he would say that he entertained the dog who doesn’t even notice pigeons from knowing them so well and fast they would fly off.

I feel anxious in his presence sometimes when he’s the one who takes care of me as he pushes me outside and the world feels lighter, I hate it when suddenly depression is taken away and we just start walking and Jamie holds his silence, watching me and I smile briefly, wondering if he’d stay the night watching some movie he wouldn’t enjoy and state so in the morning when both of us would have breakfast, his eyes smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

Jamie takes the couch every night and I wonder how come we both wake up and there is nothing awkward about both of us in pajamas and eventually he drags Archie in and soon enough even his doggy things are all here and he just watches me amused and the fact that Jamie talks to him in his sleep creeps me out a bit, so I just watch him from afar, wondering what the fuck would a forty five year old talk with an Italian born dog?

“The tempting thing about suicide is that if there’s nothing after death then all of this will be forgotten.” I tell that to Archie on the third night as Jamie headed out for groceries and we agreed to head out tomorrow and I wonder how alienated I shall feel.

It seems to slowly start wearing off with Jamie nearly yanking me out of bed every night and soon enough he even forces me outside and I smile for the first time in a while, clothing a bit too plain because I couldn’t tell myself that I would look good in a button up and Jamie drops his suits as well, which eases me a bit and he looks far better than I do and he’s the one who does my quiff as I sit on the edge of the bathtub and I feel as if I’m just getting dragged out from the dead and I take my while before we head outside. 

It’s a bit obscure before I feel weight slowly start dropping off me and I exhale, feeling the wind and getting a cigarette from Jamie, I inhale, mixing two pleasurable things. I look at him to thank him for the past few days, but instead I just look away as we make our way to a bench on the street, exhaustion still running down my blood. Walking drains my energy far too much and I still feel distant from Jamie, his presence even if it’s been a few days is plastered in my mind, removing the fact that once I’ve been alone.

And the fleeing thing about suicide is that I can never bring myself to do it as me and Jamie walk through a bridge and he tells me it’s not high enough or locking myself in a public bathroom is not enough even with a swiss army knife in my pocket,

where do I cut,

how deep should it be

how long will the pain be?

“People survive plane crashes?” Why wouldn’t I survive suicide then if something pulls my fear by the strings? And Jamie just shrugs pulling on the coat on me with the small anchors and I just frown, my hair lazily swept to the side, I couldn’t manage to get a quiff and I refused Jamie’s help and I lingered on his eyes. He in his forties looked far younger than I did and a sighed, as the smaller man put his arm around my shoulders and we headed off. 

We choose Jamie’s local and I’m still surprised Kate hasn’t called but with the rumors flying around and the tabloids just picking on her outfits, I don’t ask anything from Jamie and Archie is as silent besides in Jamie’s dreams, as the pooch decided to remain in the house. 

And there he sits, the culprit which gave me the key to the box of Pandora’s misery with all the serpents inside and his hair is grown, nearly reaching his old fringe and he smokes inside, ignoring the ban and Jamie waves at the bartender, we’re alone, being Mr. Moss has it’s privileges I presume and we approach him with his feet on the table and then he grins widely, Miles nearly pulling me in a hug, but then the ghost of death passes us all giving us shivers and I can taste Arielle’s laugh. 

“Y-”

“He looks awful.” Jamie mutters and heads to the bar to order the drinks as we all watch the older man, what’s with him is stuck in my mouth and Miles just shrugs, his hand still on my shoulder, he can’t help but not grin at seeing me in one piece as I sit through out the whole thing in my coat, a bit too chilly as the spirits are passed, I just hold onto beer for no reason as Jamie and Miles go for stronger things, as if they were the ones who had to lift the black fabric to identify the girlfriend with all her body smashed and pieces of hair everywhere. Her laughs were shallow, but not as her death and even speaking of her seems disrespectful as I stick my finger into the beer, feeling it’s wetness, Jamie saying that feeling any texture can bring you back into reality.

A kick is followed under the table after Miles’ question, which was why was I so uptight and I just clung my glass against the table.

“Because no one tells you it takes hours to jerk off when you’re on diazepam.” I snap and 

“First day off, Alex.” Jamie adds hastily and I expect Miles to smirk and instead, Jamie just shrugs, he’s had his fair share of depression and I never had the guts to ask him how was it treated or if he ever addressed it when he was fifteen, since that the age he claimed was the darkest. 

Miles keeps his silence.

“It’s true.” Jamie looks desperate and I don’t even know why are we touching on a subject where every morning Jamie just gives the pill for me to drink with water just coz the GP said so. “It... just-”

He snaps his fingers.

“Turns you off. No one talks of it. Doesn’t matter if you’re jerking off or if someone is, you’re just off and it’s like... hey, sweetheart if you come, I’m done, because I’m not going in the next few hours.” He rolls his eyes and Miles just watches us confused. 

“They put him on diazepam.” Miles looks at Jamie, points at me. “You didn’t tell me that.”

“Came home, looked at him in bed, I had to describe his symptoms and they just said one a day. Yesterday was the last doze...” He pauses. “I’m guessing that’s why his jerking off went bad.” 

“Why are we discussing me jerking off.” I mutter. And they look at me. I did start it. I just keep drinking beer, no diazepam, alcohol is the right way to go.

“Because it’s good that you’re jerking off. That means you want something, she was a lying filthy bit-” Jamie kicks Miles harder under the table. I feel rage slowly build up and do a small roar, it’s nothing too harmful and it’s full of fear of even giving my own self attention, but I did it on impulse, my blood pressure rising high and kicking in like a permanent high, as if it’s always been when it’s a sole moment of ecstasy. I just put my glass sideways and the remaining of the beer foam flood the table as both hastily start rubbing it off with the few napkins we are given. 

“She was still my girlfriend and she still died, Kane.” I say darkly and I look at Jamie with pleading eyes. “Can we leave?”

I feel Miles crumble, but I don’t care as I take Jamie’s wrist and I feel the fabric of some old suit he’s wearing just to give both of us a sense of occasion and I wonder if soon enough both of us living will be the talk only with the fact that neither of us have even dared to touch each other in any way and won’t. I’m into women and as far as I know Jamie still has a wife, no matter what is happening that I don’t see them call each other. 

“Miles really wanted to see you.” Jamie swallows the remains of his spirits and my whole body aches and I just want to curl against him and watch anything which is on air, I want to just feel him besides me, he barely moves, he just quickly glances to make sure I’m still breathing. Jamie looks at Miles again.

“Anything you want to say before we leave, Miles?” Green on brown. They both hold their gazes and some long lost memory which happened to be fond of passes like a lost letter and then they both look down and Miles just shakes his head.

“I’m sorry, y’know-”

“I don’t care whose friend you were, Kane.” I mutter and I stand up, yanking Jamie up in the process and the bewilderedness lasts for one second. 

“Where the fuck is Archie anyway?” I snap at Hince and he just motions his head back, meaning home. Maybe I am a fuck toy, for everyone. I glance back at Miles, who observes both of us confused.

“I’m not fucking him, Kane. Shut the fuck up. If you appeared on my doorstep, you’d be sleeping on my sofa too.” And we both leave, Jamie quickly shaking hands and catching up on me as he lights my cigarette and I watch him, a few thoughts scattering in my mind.

“You’re not with Kate, are you?” He shakes his head, lighting his own cigarette and I don’t know if to keep it at that. I need more drinks and we buy vodka at the nearest Tesco, both of us getting ID’ed as usual. I smoke my cigarette longer as we slowly start heading back, I look back at Jamie.

“Is there something wrong with you when you can’t come for hours?” I breathe out the smoke. He shakes his head.

“It’s diazepam, it numbs you.”

“I feel like shit today.” I snap, looking at him right in the eye and he shies away from the contact at first, but then receives it full on. 

“You get addicted, give it tomorrow, you’ll feel better, Alex.”

“Ok.” I take a longer drag. I pause on the sidewalk. “So, if I were to have sex-”

“It would be the same thing, correct.” Jamie stands close to me and I look at him, a younger gay couple walking past and thankfully I’m a wreck to be recognized and Jamie isn’t too well known for the average being. I take a smaller drag now and he looks away from me. “What?”

“Nothing.” He shrugs. I click my tongue and I just look back at the two young men and I wonder if they will get ID’ed and pass as well as I just walk on, Arielle’s laugh in my mind. 

“Why does attraction happen fast?” I repeat Arielle’s first phrase to me to Jamie.

“Because we’re scared of wasting our lives.” He mutters, scratching his eye and the thing which stops me is the cigarette in his mouth and my mind is swollen and I feel like I need touch and he’s besides me and I recall some mutterings and how he had refused to say hi to Brian Molko when I had bumped into him. It doesn’t make sense and instead of lightning a new cigarette for each I give him mine, I stretch it out and he takes it with trembling fingers.

What the fuck happened at fifteen?

“Just...” Now I drag from the same cigarette and we’re very close to each other. “You don’t see me as an easy fuck.”

Jamie takes the cigarette and raises an eyebrow.

“Excuse me?” I repeat myself. 

“Alex, I came in, I knew Arielle died and I couldn’t leave you. If I wanted a fuck I would’ve just gone back-” He pauses. “Nevermind.”

“No, go on. Spill it, Hince, what the fuck is going on.” I blow smoke in his face. 

“I broke up with someone and I didn’t go straight to yours after she died, I thought that you would be at her funeral, you weren’t. I came in to check and you were a wreck, you’re my friend and I stayed.” He hardens up. I narrow my eyes. I don’t think either of us believes the truth because names aren’t uttered. 

“You weren’t with Ar-”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Alex, it was Miles!” He exclaims and drops the cigarette and I just stare blankly. 

“What-” My heart stops and I don’t feel the floor, my tongue burning. 

“WHAT THE FUCK, BOTH OF YOU WERE BANGING WHILE ARIELLE DIED AND THEN YOU BREAK UP AND YOU SHOW UP OUT OF FUCKING PITY? SINCE WHEN ARE ANY OF YOU INTO MEN?” I start screaming and it’s too far of an empty street and I am shaking and I have no diazepam, just some herbal shit Jamie said could be used as some replacement and I take out a blister and I swallow three dry and the word dry makes me choke.

Jamie just looks down.

“WHAT THE FUCK, BOTH OF YOU? BOTH OF YOU?” He shrugs and nods. 

“fucking hell”

“fucking hell”

“fucking hell” my hands hiding my face and I sit on the sidewalk and Jamie just sits besides me and I push him away at first before I grab onto his coat and start crying. and I don’t even know

what is it

even

about

my mind spirals and Jamie just drags me onto the couch, shoving some Xanax in my mouth and puts tea besides me, turning on the telly and I watch him and I noticed how chestnut his hair is today, when did he even dye it-

I stretch my arm and he squeezes my fingers. 

“Squeeze back. It’s a method for depression.”

“Depression, I want to kill myself.” I mumble.

“Not on Xanax, sleep wi-”

I close my eyes and I press his fingers against my cheek. I sleep on his couch and he watches me from the floor, making coffee every hour to make sure I’m still beating. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been rather busy with the academic year and depression for a while, as usual, but I'm back. Thank you for enjoying it so far!


	3. Chapter 3

The day comes and the withdrawal of diazepam makes depression scream and it’s far too loud that I don’t even register Jamie’s words in the morning as he tells me to eat some cereal as he apologizes and puts the bowl next to me.  
I lay watching the turned off telly for two hour straights through sleep and I feel like the perfect depiction of depression.

“It feels like vomit, it feels like fucking vomit.” And Jamie stops and sits besides me on the floor and I can’t even register the hours of the day. My chin doesn’t tremble, only my mind jumbles. “I can’t.”

There is something about continental Europe with the withered with colouring foresting, how some patches burnt remind a death of something unknown and sometimes I would wish vividly to run through them to get my anxiety high, but the sole problem is my anxiety is already high so no matter how long it would take for Jamie to drive through, I would never do it and the sole feeling of TV shows, phenomenon and sole soul exposure and eeriness would shake it off and I would wake up on the couch again only with my hand on Jamie’s shoulder as he would sleep on his arms besides me to make sure

It intimidates me how I get told that I can’t be left alone and how Jamie ended up shooing everyone off that he was the one to discover me and when I listen to him I get scared of my own state and he laughs when I say I need to shave, when he shaves everyday and the routine goes on like some sort of love and I watch him

What would his sexuality be?

All I know is that he takes care of me.

He asks me if I’m ok and I say no, so he shoos me out of the edge of the bathtub and starts filling the water.

It becomes routine what to do when I don’t respond, when I don’t speak and I just stare at him and I pull him into a hug as he just pauses for a while before hugging me tighter.

"You’re ok, don’t worry." He says in a low voice and I just clutch onto the shorter man.

"If it’s because I’m alive, there’s nothing noble in that." I solely breathe and he pulls me tighter, he always has tight hugs which crush you and seem to leave everything with you, as if some piece of hope he is willing to give and I never refuse.

"It’s not about being alive. It’s about that you’re doing well." He smiles as I pat him on the back and I focus on his smile a bit too much that he even thinks I’m looking at his lips and instead I just take off my shirt and he offers to turn around, we both agreed that when depression is severe he should be with me at all times and I wonder how come he doesn’t want closure, but I never ask selfishly.

I just thank too much. Because I mean it. Too much.

“Please tell me how are you.” Miles pleas as I pick up the phone, right after the doctor’s and how I still feel uncomfortable without being Jamie in the room as I would just fiddle with the zipper of my hoodie, as they would ask me things and talking of coping mechanisms makes it much worse. I listen to his silence and I just make a few steps to the kitchen and Jamie pretends to be absorbed in reading the book he’s been trying to read. 

“It feels awful. It never dawns on you, how many escaping mechanisms you have. It’s as if you realize how many pills you take every day to survive and you ask yourself is this a good life?” I just breathe it out and I open the kitchen door to make Jamie listen and he drops the book down, leaning his head back and I quickly catch his gaze. I don’t know who I’m talking to anymore. I run a nail against my skin, trying to make myself feel before I open the freezer, getting an ice cube out. “Is that actually a good thing when you have a list of what to do when you’re anxious?”

I get the ice cube in my hands. 

“Is it a good thing? Yeah, it’s amazing, I have coping mechanisms, but fucking hell, I have to many and I have to push everything away...” I gulp. “About Arielle. It’s like eliminate yourself of all reminders and push yourself for the final goodbye.” 

I squeeze the ice cube, my fingers going numb.

“Seems like I never knew her and her whole... suicide is a metaphor is of her killing who she was, only for good.” My lips trembles and the ice slips from my hand on the floor and no matter how much I wish I could faint and lay in bed for days, anxiety just catches up on me, running after me and pushing me, the marathon coming and then as I imagine anxiety being a person and so is depression I see Arielle in her Keith Richards mask for that vine she did, she’s laughing and she’s pulling me by the hand and we’re running, but I’m out of breath, but she keeps telling me to keep going

“Maybe you want to go to the cemetery, Alex? I can come.” Miles offers, but I shake my head, before saying no and I put the phone down, neither of us are speaking anyway. 

Jamie has absolutely no cooking abilities whatsoever I realize and before he orders, I just stand up and I raid the fridge aimlessly for ingredients and he doesn’t say anything as I start boiling the water, as I start slicing the meat, I ask him to help with the vegetables and it’s not even that I ask myself and my whole body starts shaking as I’m nearly done with the pasta and if I wish I could finish cooking my past and as I serve Jamie just doesn’t start until I do.

Isn’t or wasn’t he vegan?

He blows on the forkful and I can’t help but watch him across the table. 

I can’t help as I stand up and he watches me confused and he puts the fork down. I ask him to move and I put my chair besides his and we eat rather cramped but it makes me feel better and when we’re done I can’t help but look at him lost and I know neither of us knows. I didn’t confront him about Miles yet and neither did he raise it and sometimes it feels like my depression can strangle me myself, that all of this is foreplay until I don’t hold and when I can just choose to mix everything and wonder like a game of russian roulette what would actually of that chosen would end my life, the impact, the pills or the sole loneliness which I could never address fully

And he made me feel whole.

“Don’t move out.” I mutter, I have no idea anymore and I just look at the plate.

“At your signal.” He says and takes the plates. 

“How the fuck do you stand me?” I turn towards him as he puts the dishes in the dishwasher and I can’t help but start shaking. “Before it was sole kindness, but now...”

I’ve never really been attracted to a man and I don’t even know if this is attraction, this is like a new dish, understanding how does it even feel to the tongue, something as foreign as a wrong transmission or someone else’s stolen dream and I even wonder whoever had Jamie loved and which rumors were true and how much was hidden, how much had raced through his head? 

And calling myself mentally ill isn’t helping with filling out questionnaires at the doctors and hesitating on the suicide questions, on the self-harm and ticking harshly on the feelings which they would describe and hearing the verdict, getting the prescriptions and Jamie side-looking at the quit smoking methods right in front of the prescription section. The fear strangles, the fear of the unknown is perhaps worse than the known which is not yet accepted and a surprise at your door in the form of something you’d never register. 

Let your skull be pressed against a gun and the fire break the bone into shards, making an odd jewelry pattern and soiled by your own blood.

“When a person commits suicide, it’s as if everyone surrounding have solely had an unsuccessful attempt, it’s as if the drained, failed state shifts to everyone else. It so happened that all of the hit was taken by you, as she was your girlfriend.” I flinch, hearing it, stroking my own arms, hair in my eyes, I didn’t bother and Jamie could barely get me up for the appointment, telling me that he’s got a surprise for me later, after the doctor’s and I wondered how natural was everything becoming and was this already platonic or did I have the time to push back?

Maybe it is a way to get rid of the depression, finding the cheap offered drug, as soon as I exit the doctors and he seems to be playing some new app, but he quickly stands up to walk towards me and I frankly take the drug and I’m not sure he even had it.

There’s brief fear and I wonder, how many wonders do I even have to dig through to find the right answer to my question and it’s surely not on his lips

He stares at me when I kiss him, pulling him closer and it’s less than timed before he kisses me back-

I feel my whole body flare up

The answer regarding why had you fallen is within you, no matter what had the chosen fall been. The other person is a catalyst with the other ingredient, because you would’ve fallen for them anyway. 

Jamie keeps pulling me much closer, clutching me in his tight hugs, before we both let go. We link our arms and silently walk to the car and I can hear my heart beat faster, a new adrenaline and Arielle just seems like a bad movie coda. I get scared of an ending, I get scared that I would end up like her, even if I want my credits to roll. We get back in the car and I keep watching outside as Jamie gets out of the parking lot and then I look at him and I’m sure I’m more than visually embarrassed. Neither of us talks to disturb the other, but we keep exchanging glances. I wonder-

But it was more than obvious.

I have Miles click through my head, but I would leave that for later. 

It’s different when you’re rumored and maybe muse in your head than actually doing, like I did here. I can’t speak, instead Jamie smiles briefly and I feel myself heat up even more, as I quickly turn around, before briefly returning the smile. 

He muses on what record to speak of, as I see him hold his gaze on me and I just allow myself to look at the deep green of his eyes, which now only heat me up-

“I always thought something happened between you and Miles, frankly, but Miles never told me anything, so I figured not to really poke it.” He pauses. I wonder if we should all push our cards once we reveal some romantic or sexual intentions and I wonder which ones are even mine and if I had already mixed it enough with his to get confused. 

“No.” I say slowly, shaking my head, looking away. “Nothing ever happened, as ironic as it is...”

I pause, thinking, as if I were drunk and speaking.

“It’s that odd tension which you wonder how come was never resolved, but it wasn’t because it didn’t seem like an option. Not even sexuality-wise, some people bend you over because they’re too attractive to you.” I wonder if it sounded like a compliment to Jamie, it was in a way, even if I don’t want to think of it, I don’t want to think there is anything wrong or some bending over in some natural attraction. Jamie hesitates, but decides to spit it out anyway.

“I don’t know if it helps or not, but Miles stated that he had been attracted to you during that period, but figured you wouldn’t be interested in any way.” He shrugs. I don’t jump, my cheeks barely heat up but it seems as if all my past now had been illuminated with new found memories and how Miles would look at me deeper or even his comments which had made me uncomfortable on how he would state how I seemed to be very attractive and one night, when he had both drank enough and eaten pasta under the table he had stated that I just kept dragging him, as he trailed off. I blink, wondering where had we both stashed our feelings and if they had reached their expiry date. 

Anxiety starts trailing after me like a tail, as if I didn’t have enough recollection of girls which looking back now, had been grabbing me by the arm with their feelings and we had both held quiet and then it’s that eve where you wonder how many people even regret breaking up with you, maybe you’re not the only one missing it.

Just like any relationship, you open up and you move in, which didn’t seem much of a big deal now. 


	4. Chapter 4

Days seem to want to pass and the new medicine starts working, Arielle's death still hands on a chandelier and sometimes it slams full in my head. Sometimes it's far too much, because just like people dissapear there becomes no explanation to a suicide. I start crying far more about her passing, her cheating and all the disaster that everything is gone entirely. Jamie's surprise had been a picnic in the woods. We had to be fast before the sun would set, reminding us of the time of the year. He just kept checking on me in utter silence and I could see by his lips that he kept thinking about the sole kiss we had shared. I didn't know how I felt after it if I had wanted more or rather how much more had I wanted. And I couldn't deny that it would put me and Miles under a very different light where we were both seen as schoolboys who hadn't discovered sex yet, that is why we hadn't progressed so far. 

I was surprised by the sudden picnic and I wondered if it was the same thing with having Jamie over, were we also schoolboys? How long had he liked me then? Did he like me before he started taking care of me? I just sat on the mat with my long coat, regretting the light attire I had chosen and I was sure that we would end the picnic in the car eventually. That's when our eyes had finally met, allowing at least our body language to resolve what had been going on in our mouths. My body shivers when I think if he will sleep on the couch again, but I can't help but think of the times when he would crawl into my bed to talk me to sleep. 

For the first time I think of the bands, that somehow I will have to come back to. But regarding that picnic, my mind just wanders to it.

We were perfectly alone and it dawned on us. Maybe it dawned on me first, because I perfectly knew that he wouldn't do anything if I wouldn't initiate and that day I wanted closure desperately. I regretted that I had never touched Miles and that probably led me to kiss Jamie again.   
  
Maybe it was the dizziness of the new medicine, because they always tell you that you will feel weird. Well, I had wanted to feel anything which would go deeper into craving. And I knew that he could give it to me. I leaned towards him over the handmade sandwiches and I kissed him again.

"Please don't hold." I told him and he opened his mouth under my own, quickly excusing himself to be next to me. I could see that we're both too embarrassed to say anything, because once you realize what's going on there is no turning back. My whole body ached from the adrenaline, as I allowed him in my mouth. Jamie pushed me onto the grass and I felt how cold it was, but I didn't care, both of us kissing passionately, as we had both found a new lover in each other. I don't even know what we are to each other. 

He moved to my neck and I wondered for how long had I been the thought in the back of his mind, how long had I lingered there? For how long had he wanted me? I moaned loudly, thankful that we had driven somewhere far. I thought a bit about getting caught and reported for-  
  
Oh, right.

Jamie let his hand wander down and he rubbed my already hard cock. 

Right, for public sex. I opened my eyes to look at the sky as he continued biting my neck, clearly listening to my words of not holding anything in. He went on top of me for a while as I felt his cock dig into me, very pleasantly. I kept moaning into his mouth, as he broke the kiss, asking me what do I feel like. I felt my cheeks flushed.

"Make me feel good," I nearly whispered as he unzipped my pants. I prayed for a bit not to be caught before he took out my cock and stroked the tip softly, making me bite my lips as I watched him. He smirked and he knew that I was his. He continued to stroke my cock's tip teasingly before moving onto the shaft and gave it a good few strokes, watching my breathing get heavier. Jamie looked very content with himself before he leaned down to lick the underline and I nearly lose it, clutching the grass. I realized that I hadn't masturbated or had sex in ages, which explained why I was so eager, asides the fact that I desperately wanted Jamie now. I spread out my legs, feeling a new sensation and a new thought cross my head. He took me fully in his mouth, slowly, taking in by the length and I moaned, softly thrusting into his mouth, as he held my hips down now, stroking them with his fingers. 

It felt different, it felt like he eagerly knew what he was doing, he seemed more straightforward with it. I kept moaning from the pleasure, heavily satisfied. Grasping him by his hair. He stopped me and held his head and I heard him smirk as he continued. He stopped again and I allowed him to do anything with me as he pleased.  
  
"Relax." He told me and I knew what to await. Jamie went on top of me and I felt desperately sexually frustrated as he undid his belt. I saw his cock and I wanted to suck it, I wanted him inside. I wanted everything at once. I tried to push all the thoughts away as he positioned himself and I moaned out loudly once he's inside me. I am overwhelmed by a wave of pleasure rather than the pain I was expecting, but it still took a while to get used to it, before I kept moaning even more, clawing at his back, thankful for everything. 

"Please go deeper." I begged as he thrusted even harder, now in and out and I couldn't help but clutch harder at his back, moaning as he licked my neck with each thrust. It kept feeling better and better as I closed my eyes and pulled him closer, grabbing onto his lips with mine and coming. Jamie came as well inside me as I felt him fill me up, tiredly giving the last thrusts before collapsing on top of me. He looked at me heavily breathing and kissed me desperately, as if nothing would ever taste like enough. I pulled him, wrapping my arms around him. Jamie slowly pulled out and kissed me again. It was bizarre to dress up after sex, as Jamie would make sure that I had felt okay, asking me that several times and I only prayed that he held no regrets at all. He didn't, as I finally had the courage to ask him on our way back, allowing myself to doze off on the seat, all buckled up for safety and feeling Jamie's hand on my forehead during a traffic light, causing me to smile.

The day afterwards I felt restless, but I was better, because I actually managed to get out of bed first, turning off Jamie's alarm clock for him and lying besides him as he started waking up. There was no question whether he was allowed in my bed or not. It seemed far too obvious that I had let him further in my life. And it was a first where Jamie had left me behind as I seemed to immersed into an episode of Dr. Phil, just to kill time and all we needed was milk. He just rang the bell and I felt startled, as if I hadn't expected him to come back. Jamie came back with more groceries, telling that it's okay for us to spend some time inside. I wondered far too much what was going through his mind, as he just sat besides me and we continued watching.   
  
I felt weird sitting and leaning against him, the whole fact that I now had a boyfriend or a man who cared deeply about me and who raised the ghosts of the past with Miles. What had that all been with poor Miles then? What do I do with Miles now who was Jamie's previous lover and close to being my past as well? Miles was like some unwritten passage, which was never finished for doubtless reasons.   
  
It's as if sleeping with Jamie made it impossible to talk about Miles now. I feel his fingers stroking my temple and it's odd to jnow that we are both sharing something among each other. My anxiety rises and I still don't say anything, besides snuggling against him but he notices my current state and asks me about it. I don't know how to tell him that because he had opened the door now I wonder about a different man now.

"I think." I start. "That I should mend things with Miles."

He's either oblivious or knows too much, as he agrees. It's as if I don't even remember why we had drifted apart anyway. It was because I had been too cranky at him for not knowing about him and Jamie, that he had stayed closeted away from me. But could I blame him for holding his life personal? And what had been wring with that? What entitlement did I have to know who he had been fucking at the time? 

Sometimes we just drive around, when I can't speak and that somehow makes me speak even less. And it's raining now and it just seems too gloomy to even show a glimpse of sunshine tomorrow, feels like the void would feel somehow similar to this. 

I don't know where misery starts, I don't know where misery ends and everything seems to be pointing towards Miles, who I know will be coming over.   
  
Why has he never told me anything? Why did he tell Jamie? Why did he go for Jamie instead of me? And why did I go for Jamie instead of Miles as well? I look at Jamie feeling guilty of all my thoughts and how heavy they weigh that I can't do anything at all. It's hard to have a heartbreak over things that never were, because you can't even convince yourself that the other had the same pain upon once. I don't even know how to voice it to poor Jamie, I feel guilty that I hold a terribly strong connection to him, but Miles clouds my mind, no matter how much I end up kissing him, Miles still runs through my mind with all his wonders and mysteries. Is it because he is an even older lover? My mind just keeps facing what if he has someone else and why would he even glance at me for the second time with the same eyes?

I don't speak to Jamie and he respects my privacy and all of a sudden I wish that it was Miles who had walked in to find the empty pizza boxes and tell me everything I had ever needed to hear. And I feel guilty of that. I feel guilty of somehow loving another man. Or feeling something towards another. But then they had both taken deep cleanse care of me, I just happened to always have been shooing Miles away, only allowing Jamie to rub my back.

The problem is that the only memories which blossom are Paris with splashing him in pools, laughing shirtless during bike rides and nearly kissing every damn night. Those are the only things I can think of which would even stroke my love even close. That is all I am left with.

I get very anxious by the time Miles is supposed to arrive and he is fashionably late, Jamie did my tie, as we all agreed that putting me in a suit would do me good for a change. It was Jamie's idea, because whenever he would feel different from life, he would put on a suit to put things in their place, where they would belong somehow. Jamie notices me and from the corner of my eye, I notice that he's sad, probably knowing that he would be giving me to the wolves now, because I am slowly getting better and unraveling. I try not to think of it a lot, but he stares at me intensely once the door bell rings and I just stands up to get it, but instead he grabs my hand and pulls me closer to him to kiss and I do so. 

Maybe I would be better alone again, with no Miles or Jamie, allowing nothing to go in my mind, allowing myself to somehow fall in love with myself, to believe in myself and allow Arielle's death to seep through my fingers, slowly and until it detaches. And I could travel Europe properly alone. I think of saying that before Miles walks in and allows me to remember how good Jamie looks in his suit, how good Miles looks in his. 

We had ordered food, so that I wouldn't panic while cooking, as both men sit down and I serve. Insisting on it. I will think about it, at least.


	5. Chapter 5

I think one of the most frustrating things people don't talk about with depression is the inability to fucking come. People don't talk about sex in general, but they tend to avoid the topic of not being able to do so like fire. People don't talk about so many things.

And maybe the second closest was watching both Miles and Jamie try to do some small talk.

I tried so many times to masturbate before me and Jamie had fucked and failed, just dropping it and bottling it up. And it wasn't something that just occurred during the deepest pits of depression, with or without Jamie it would hit me and I wouldn't know which wall to crawl upon.

Some morning thoughts are the most intense ones through the day, because they had all night to culminate. and I guess through all the cooking I don't even realize how frustrated I am at both of them for no goddamn reason, just because.

If it didn't even happen often, I wouldn't even speak of one time, but people just ignore the 65 times it happens to them because it's not something you discuss over coffee.

Maybe I didn't want to be with Miles, maybe I didn't want to be with Jamie. I just sat on the table, as Jamie and Miles tried to make small talk, but now I understood their hostility towards each other. I could see that they had been lovers which had managed to hurt each other in numerous ways, and now I was in the middle of them. They both cared in their ways and touched me in ways the other hadn't. I watched Jamie's hands as he would serve the pasta, which probably cost more than it was really worth, but money became so bleak that I would just withdraw cash and give it to Jamie, telling him to deal with it as he pleased, even if he insisted on paying for a lot of things. And now it was all awkward where we would just pay one after another. We didn't utter it, but we were boyfriends and I had wanted a man clearly for the first time in my life. Miles-

I couldn't admit to love Miles.

I didn't dare to speak much of Miles to Jamie. I would just let it be, I would let him stroke my hair into the night, feeling myself getting more wrapped into his love. He never pushed it, he would always ask and only small things would fall into routine. I didn't know where would life lead and the more I ate the pasta, the more I would notice Jamie's concerned looks and Miles' moving lips asking me if I were alright. All I wanted to do was just push the chair back and feel all my limbs harshly fall to the floor.

What love had I felt?

“Alex.”

I put my fork down.

“Alex?”

“I'm seeing Jamie.” And I wanted to cry. I didn't want to confess that a love had gone past me, that we had both waited at the train station, holding hands and never boarded the train, never let another discover the other's love. I glance at Jamie, who still had worry written all over his face, but he eased, blinking at the sudden confession. We hadn't spoken about it. I hoped he wouldn't mind.

Was it a love confession when he had taken care of me for a while now?

Was it a love confession when we had sex and slept in the same bed?

Was it a love confession when I-

Miles sharply looks at Jamie.

“You knew.” He turns to him completely, lowering his voice. “You knew that I loved him.”

I feel my blood just vanish, leaving me as an empty carcass and Jamie doesn't look better, probably not feeling the best roller-coaster of emotions in his life either. Jamie juggles what to say and quickly glances at me.

“You didn't allow me to take care of him.” Miles accuses Jamie and I feel like I'm just watching a tennis match, watching one player hit the ball with all their might, hoping that the other will trip or simply miss the ball.

“He didn't want you to.” Jamie observes and I could've nodded, but instead I just stay still, picking up my fork with no pasta, not sure why are we all even dressed in suits, but I understand that all is done for my safety.

“Oh, so I should've told him that Arielle had been cheating on him all this damn time?” Miles now raises his voice. He points at Jamie. “You didn't tell him either.”

“I did once I knew, I did once I saw what was going on.” Jamie snaps at him, watching me with the fork. I probably look like I would be able to stab someone with it or at least do some soft torturing, some Stockholm syndrome if I'm lucky. “I was fucking there.”

Jamie speaks every word with a pause and emphasis.

“Fine. I wasn't there. Fine.” And Miles stands up. I just stare at a man, who I had shied away from so long ago. My heart aches and I look back at Jamie, who is focused with his hands crossed, staring at Miles.

“Why do you even try?” Jamie's voice is poison. “All you care about is that you didn't manage to score with him back in Paris.”

Miles grabs Jamie by the collar and I drop the fork.

“You fuck keep him all to yourself.” He spits in Jamie's face saying it. “You think you'll heal him. All by yourself? Just because you survived suicide once, doesn't mean that you'll know the medicine to another's.”

Jamie looks at him with dead eyes.

“You're all smug because you have him. He'll fucking leave you.” He snaps, not knowing what the hell he's talking. “You're older. You're his first man, that's why he trusts you. But what will he do once he recovers and sees you, Hince?”

“Surely, something you never saw.” Jamie snarls back, not moving and with his collar still in Miles' hands. “You're in love, I'll give you that.”

He looks at him dead in the eye.

“Let go.” And Miles shoves him back onto his chair, Jamie fixing his collar. “If this is a game, you lost. You never tried. You were never there.”

And Miles throws a punch towards Jamie and hits him on the cheek, cutting him. Jamie flinches, touches his cheek, lets the blood drench his fingers and looks back at Miles.

“Fuck.” I say and look at Jamie's cheek, causing both men to look back at me, surprised that I even was in the room to witness all of this dispute over me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay safe everyone! I´ll update more frequently now with everything happening...


	6. Epilogue

_And two things would happen right before I died: I would regret my entire life; _all over again, that I would be looking at it through the fingers and wondering where had I gone wrong. What had I done-

But it was too late. I still wonder how I had managed to bleed it all out, all of the unrequited love and all of the poison which was trailing inside my body. I could see Jamie holding me, crying, phone in hand and dialling the phone numbers with trembling bloody bloody fingers, but I wasn't there anymore. My eyes were glossy fish eyes, I just remained in the body because his love had held me-

I just remained because Miles would carry my coffin as well, filled with regret that managed to be heavier than a dead man inside.

I finally close my eyes and remember the feel of the grass against my skin, I remember pedalling through Paris, laughing, having sex, but the love gets bleaker as the voices fade out, screaming but I'm underwater

I've left just like I've come.

I've acquired someone else, someone deeper and depression lifted her skirt and like a small boy I clung onto her leg, feeling all of the tears come from the sky as I counted the missing stars on my funeral. That had been it.

I didn't see Arielle when I died, instead it was fragments of my imagination, trailing further and further until they made no sense and that's when I felt his hands wrap tight around me and hold me, I had forgotten his name.

I coughed up blood to see his tears mixed with my blood. I could recall faces mixing like colours. I lifted myself up and that's when I saw it

An older man clutching a younger man, voices screaming, the light no longer going through the window and

I sat next to him

For a second he didn't see me

And I kissed him, because it should never be his fault

I couldn't string words, I just watched his eyes and he took my hand, going transparent and I read his lips-

He took my second hand and I did as asked, I choked him-

collapsed, his legs underneath now, colours fading, memories flaying

Even if one departs by himself

there is no point in staying.

But we are not God to decide when we arrive,

when we leave.

I cough out blood and I remain silent on the way, lights flashing and a trembling hand holding my own, as my vision comes to me.

I feel like I've been dead a million years.

I make recovery, days pass as I don't speak to Jamie, neither to Miles, still trying to string all the memories together, make sense of all the blood in the apartment when I come back, when I pull the curtains apart and see the sun. I've lost weight, grown a beard and longer hair.

He's scrubbed off all the blood. Because some things don't make sense.

I guess my attempt didn't make sense to him.

I light up a cigarette, watching the two notes in front of me with reminders of numbers.

Some people die taking selfies, while others live a lifetime without knowing love.

I lean back, Jamie taking the cigarette from me, hands on both shoulders now, as I rub my cheek against his wrist, kissing it.

I may never know, but that's the point, isn't it?

To guess? To make conclusions and walk along?

I cross my legs, watching the hairs on his wrist and soon enough I fall asleep in the armchair,

never knowing what tipped Arielle. But that seems enough.

Jamie wakes me up for takeaway.

_ I would want to live it over again. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally it had an ending which was shelved with that ending for quite a while, but then when I was revisting a bit before publishing it, I decided "hey, that´s not right..." And I decided to write it again as I felt this strong urge and that strong urge took me to publish it as well. I hope you enjoyed it! 
> 
> Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> I recently dug out this story and reread the epilogue, adding a lot to it and finally closing the story after so long with a chosen ending. It was and still is, probably one of my most honest stories when it comes to the medical side of mental health. It was written years ago, but still stays true to what I had felt and how I had felt. Now, I don't feel so well, I'm trying to recover, so I really appreciate all the love I've gotten for other stories. 
> 
> Thank you
> 
> For my other work, and to know why I use AO3, see here: https://graspthesanity.wordpress.com/2019/06/09/why-i-use-ao3/


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